What is the difference between a baritone and King Kong?
King Kong's more sensitive.

What do you call a house occupied by retired tenors?
A crack house.

How are tenors like pirates?
They are both murder on the high C's.

A fan asks a soprano if she can read music?
"Not enough to hurt my singing," she answers.

What do you call 25 basses up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

One friend to another: "Why do you hang around with that drummer??"
"Beats me!"

Why do conductors smile during a performance?
Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

What is the range of a tenor?
As far as you can kick him.

What do you call a soprano with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

How many sopranos does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M & M's.

Music teacher: "Do you like opera, Francesca?"
Francesca: "Apart from the singing, yes."

What's a snake's favorite opera?
Wriggeletto.

What do you call a gnome who lives in the city?
A Metronome.

What is brown and black and looks good on a music critic?
A Doberman!

How is a pupil learning to sing like someone opening a can of sardines?
They both have trouble with the key.

What kind of musical instrument can never tell the truth?
A lyre.

When is the water in the shower room musical?
When it's piping hot.

Why don't skeletons play music in church?
They have no organs.

Why did they arrest the musician?
He got into treble.

When is a tenor not a tenor?
When he is a little ho(a)rse.

What do you call singing insects?
Humbugs.

Why was the singing teacher's voice so high-pitched?
She had falsetto teeth.

Why was the tenor happy to be at the gallows?
Because he was finally in the noose.

Did you hear about the tenor who wanted to play Samson because he heard that Samson brought the house down?

What happened to the orchestra that played for a bunch of cannibals?
They went down really well!

What do you call a squashed insect?
Bee flat.

If the tenor and the conductor got in a fight, who would win?
It's a trick question. There would be no fight. The tenor would whine until he got his way!

Why are conductor's hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

If you are a stones throw away from a conductor what should you do?
Throw stones.

What do you call a beautiful woman on a bass's arm?
A tattoo.

What do 4 basses sound like at the bottom of the sea?
A good idea!

What do you do if you run over a conductor?
Back up.

Why should you have to be a tenor to work for a furnace repair service?
Tenors know everything about hot air!

How do you tell if a bass is actually dead?
Hold out a check (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred).

In the last act of Don Giovanni, there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when the switch has occurred?
The "statue" starts looking a bit stiff.

Why did the soprano tiptoe past her medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills.

Did you hear about the soprano who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

Why did the soprano refused a window seat on an airplane?
She had just styled her hair & didn't want it blown around too much.

Operas that never made it
Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare.
Mozart: The Magic Tuba.
Puccini: La Bamba.
Rossini: The Plumber of Seville.
Verdi: Rigatoni.

What’s the difference between a soprano and a piranha?
The lipstick.

What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian tenor?
About 10 pounds.

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She simply holds the bulb and the world then revolves around her.

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It’s too high for him."

How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hmmm … I don't know … What do you think?

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor.
"This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000.", the clerk said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."
"And the other?", said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him ‘Maestro’."

The baritone came home unexpectedly one day to find his wife in a compromising situation on the couch with a tenor. The enraged baritone said, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?"
The tenor answered, "Well, I'm singing Rodolfo in Portland next week and then my first Hoffman in San Diego after that ..."